What happened when I shared my abortion story

10 days ago I released my story of having an abortion 7 months ago, and of arriving at my would-be due date with presence to its significance in my life journey.

My detailed telling received tremendous positive support from women that made my heart glow. Some women told me they read it 3 times, transfixed. They told me they wept, as I too wept reading of their tears. That day was a huge catharsis for me. I cried on and off all day, feeling wrung out from the inside. Among the many comments were only a few sour, unsupportive notes that I deleted. I was encouraged that the supportive voices drowned out the critics by far.

What became obvious to me was that my story was helping women process their emotions around their past abortions, and also celebrate their victories in deciding their destiny. Women found dignity in appreciating that they had been mothers for a short time, a matter of weeks.

They expressed the following:

After digesting the loving feedback of my community, my next step was to commemorate the would-be due date of my child. My husband being in Europe, I suggested we do a ceremony together by phone. Early in the morning, we met via video. Each of us had prepared a letter to the child that we read to each other. We lit incense too and pulled oracle cards to guide our contemplation. We invoked Artemis the Greek goddess associated with abortion, and Lakshmi, the Hindu goddess of fertility. Then we each spoke this prayer given to me by baby whisper, Cecily Miller.

My version:
“Dear One,
I am grateful you came to me as potential life, as a baby,
and that I got to be your mother and experience being a mother for that short time.
I love you always.
Somewhere, in some timeline we are together.
Wherever you are now, I’m saying Happy Birthday!
May you be happy and healthy, and thrive as you are, wherever you are.”

His version:
“Dear One,
I am grateful you came to me as potential life, as a baby,
and that I got to be your father and experience being the father of my third child for that short time.
I love you always.
Somewhere, in some timeline we are together.
Wherever you are now, I’m saying Happy Birthday!
May you be happy and healthy, and thrive as you are, wherever you are.”

Then we sang a happy birthday song to the spirit baby, and closed the ceremony. Even with such a painful physical distance between us it was comforting to pay homage to this day together.

We each went on with our days, but I wanted to continue the process outdoors, so at lunch, with the company of a wise medicine woman called Anahata, we walked into Nature, off the track, surrounded by cedars and pines. We created a simple altar on a scarf on the ground that included my letter to the baby, a small dish of water, sandalwood powder, a pine cone, fresh flowers, a silk rose, and the wing of a bird. We collected leaves of dried sage off a bush, and fresh cedar leaves from a tree, plus I had brought a stick of palo santo, all aromatic plants that make incredible smoke.

To begin, Anahata came close to me and invoked of the elements, traveling up my body from bottom to top. She called in the earth element—for raw, primal, grounded energy—relating to the root chakra. Then the water element—for the power of the womb, sensuality, sensuality and emotions—relating to the sacral chakra. Next the fire element—for will power, vulnerability, courage, self-determination—relating to the solar plexus chakra. Then the air element—for love, joy and compassion—relating to the heart chakra. And so on, up through the throat, the third eye and the crown. She guided me to connect by heart and womb which felt healing and empowering. I felt like a volcano was moving through me.

She smudged me with the sage and the bird wing, as she sang me a song by Alexa Sunshine Rose, with the lyrics:

“I release control,
And surrender to the flow
Of love
That will heal me.”

The perfect song for the moment! I release control. What else can I do?

Then I took a raw egg, to do a Mexican ritual called limpia. I rubbed the intact egg over the surface of my body, with the intention to draw out any negativity, resentment, anger, etc.

As I swept the smooth surface over my arms, legs and face, I said, “I release…” stating all that I wished to let go.

I put a towel over my mouth and screamed into it, allowing the power of sound to release my pain all the more.

Anahata handed me the pine cone from the altar saying, “Squeeze this and feel the pain.” The pine cone had sharp, prickly edges, that stung my hand. “Now that you have felt it, you can release it. Throw the pine cone back into the forest.” I squeezed again and tossed it into the woods. “May it become a tree,” she said as we watched it disappear.

Then Anahata guided me to dig a hole with a stick. “Dig anti-clockwise first, stirring the energy one way. And now clockwise, stirring the other way.” I had never dug a hole with such awareness! And into the hole went the egg, absorbing all my grief and loss. We laid flowers around the hole, said a final thank you, and covered it up

.Next, I drew two oracle cards from the Moon Deck. The first read “Healthy boundaries keep me centered and balanced” which felt like an ode to having the abortion in the first place, a boundary I placed on my own womb. The next read, “I live each moment with a presence of gratitude,” with a picture of a pregnant woman with a glowing full moon in her belly, the only one in the deck that represents pregnancy. What are the chances of that! I was filled with joy to see that card.

Yes, I am pregnant with gratitude and possibility. I am pregnant with the force of life!

The final act was to be anointed with the sandalwood powder, a gorgeous aroma, on my third eye and throat, leaving me feeling beautiful and fragrant, as every woman wants to feel.

We packed up the altar and went on our way. We were in the middle of a female DJ and music production retreat and next up was a shoot for a music video we were participating in. We were already dressed up our costume regalia, me in an orange showgirl dress that represents my inner flame. We drove into the woods and enacted a group ritual symbolizing our fully expressed self and our inner child. What a great completion to a powerful day.

That night I sat in the hot springs where we were staying and let my body and soul fully relax. I was informed that most first time mothers give birth at 41.5 weeks of pregnancy, so potentially today would actually be the due date. I’ve been allowing myself to stew in this beautiful energy of imagining a child spirit near me, and going forward my intention is to inject this momentum into everything I’m creating and to move forward with my head held high.

Such are the rites of passage of being a woman. The womb is a place of birth and death, and also a source of tremendous pleasure and orgasmic energy. I’m on a mission to show women how their bodies can be their best friends, and how juicy, refreshing pleasure and aliveness can be theirs at any moment. My energy and attention is free and available to serve the world, and to serve you. Thanks for joining me in this movement of feminine liberation. This is just the beginning…

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