Something to know about me is that I’m extremely loyal and devoted. In my friendships, with my clients, and above all with my romantic relationships, when I love, I LOVE with a capital L.
I’m generous, sometimes too generous, and I’m learning not to be an over-giver.
So when my marriage started to show cracks, I double downed with my commitment. If I need to be a superstar, super provider and super resilient to make this work, then I WILL be, I told myself. True Love is worth the effort, isn’t it?
When he left I went to the post office and bought 40 international stamps with the intention of sending a weekly love letter. And so I did, more or less, putting my heart on the page, collecting photos to send, etc. I love to express through words and images. It felt like the best I could do.
Then as time went by, my efforts felt one-sided. Our relationship boiled down to two calls a week, and in between I felt so lonely and empty.
Then I found this song, “Leave You,” by Lola Jane, and it shook me up. I loved it and simultaneously couldn’t bear it!
Is this my truth speaking through the song?
I want another lover
I want feel somebody new
I want feel another
Lately I have been confused
But I don’t know which way to go
I guess that I will never know
If I don’t leave you
You’re the only thing I know
I think that I could really grow
If I would leave you.
‘Cause letting of of you ain’t easy
But I can’t move forward if I’m looking back
She sang what I was too scared to say out loud to anyone. Even when multiple friends said I should move on, I dug in my heels. No, this is my man!
But as time went on, I realized that true to the song, he was the only thing I knew. My whole identity was completely wrapped up in being his wife. Plus, I was not growing with how things were. In fact, I was withering. I was fading away and losing my power. I could barely write, because I felt so empty and such a fraud. Supposedly with the man of my dreams, yet absolutely miserable in my daily life.
Recently I realized that the intense 6 months of grief I felt after my abortion was actually a placeholder for the grief I was denying that the marriage was over. We could be divine lovers, but not the stable partnership I thought I was signing up for.
I can take responsibility for being naive to believe that he could emigrate to America given he had kids in Switzerland, but they do say love is blind, so I suppose it’s understandable. As he made his priorities more and more clear, the awareness dawned on me, that I could really grow if I let go and moved on.
I’m so grateful for this song. It’s been the theme song that’s given me the courage to leave my marriage when I didn’t want to admit to anyone that it wasn’t working. I played it on repeat to inspire me to reclaim myself anew as a sovereign being. I was glorious when he met me! I can be again.
And in my own way, in my fragile grief, I still am glorious.
Exactly 7 days after we officially completed the marriage, I went to a Brazilian Zouk dance party and the first song they played was this one. I took it as a sign! Yes, I’m on the right track! That afternoon, I felt better than I had in months. Here’s the video of me dancing to the song “Leave Me” by Lola Jane with US Zouk champion Aluna Lua.
Leading Sacred Sexual Empowerment
and Body Confidence Activation Queen